Is it better to be a bitch or a cry baby? Is it better to have someone fear you or feel sorry for you?
It's getting harder, not easier.
A minute, an hour, is no longer made up of 60 measurable seconds or minutes.
It's like time doesn't go by.
Each second takes a minute and each minute takes a lifetime.
I'm struggling. Each breath, each step feels like I'm swimming in wet concrete. But I'm going to keep swimming.
Tuesday, 29 September 2015
Sunday, 27 September 2015
September 27, 2015
How long until my heart stops skipping a beat when I think I see you in the background of photos?
How long until you stop being my first thought every morning when the sleep finally clears from my mind?
How long before I stop wondering what you're doing, wondering if you're wondering about me?
How long before I'm able to not count the days since we've talked as if they were stepping stones meant to measure accomplishment?
How long will it take you to reach out to me?
How long until I don't care if you do?
You don't want me, but that doesn't mean that no one else should, even though I want you.
Week 2. Here we go.
How long until you stop being my first thought every morning when the sleep finally clears from my mind?
How long before I stop wondering what you're doing, wondering if you're wondering about me?
How long before I'm able to not count the days since we've talked as if they were stepping stones meant to measure accomplishment?
How long will it take you to reach out to me?
How long until I don't care if you do?
You don't want me, but that doesn't mean that no one else should, even though I want you.
Week 2. Here we go.
Saturday, 26 September 2015
September 26, 2015
It's funny, these things we feel, these moments we look back on because we know, somehow, someway they changed the course of our lives.
Why should I feel guilty for the steps I've taken down the path of getting over you? Why should I feel like I've betrayed you when I've stood by your side for so long? Why can I dance around words and make excuses for actions when the reasons why things happen are obvious?
Why did you kiss him? Because I feel alone. I'm trying to convince myself I can be okay without the person who had filled my heart for so long. Maybe because I wanted someone to see, someone to tell you, to have done something to make you feel jealous or like you've made the biggest mistake of your life by letting me go.
Why do I still hold on? Why do I still think of you every second of every dragging day? Because I love you. Or maybe it's because I love the idea of what things have been and could be again. I live in a world built out of made up scenarios and broken dreams, too afraid to reach out and grab a new purpose.
Am I honest with myself? I'm not sure. Do I really think you'll come back with time? I think that's the thing that is the most frightening. That maybe, just maybe I'll be secretly waiting for you in my heart, waiting for you to think I've moved on, to come back and make things right, to beg for my forgiveness and to apologize for how many times you've made me feel lower than low, and to have that never actually happen is a scary thought to have.
Why does it make me sick to think of you giving all you gave to me at the start to someone else? Why instead can't I change my thinking to remind myself that I too could have that again with someone else? Let him move on, he's a broken man. He will never give his whole self to someone again. But you will because you're a dreamer. You will because you still believe in love. Who gets the short of the stick when you think about it that way?
I miss you. I'm not afraid to say it. While I'm not sure if it's your body, your physical presence, or the way you used to make me feel, I still miss you. I miss so many things. I miss you laying beside me. I miss building a life with you. I feel sad about the memories we will never get to make because you decided to let go.
I'm not naive enough to think that you've been innocent in the last 6 months. If I can do some of the things I've done and still claim to be in love with you, I can't even imagine what you've done in the shadows since you stopped loving me. It can drive a person mad to ask all of the what ifs. We know this, yet we still ask what question over and over until it feels like our heart is cracking.
What if the reason it didn't work out was because the thing I was holding onto didn't work out? What if the reason we fell apart is because I am truly supposed to be with the one who caused us to end? What if I am being ridiculous and looking too much into things? What if you've already found someone new? What if I will never feel whole again. People get over things with time. Do they? What if they don't? What if I never get over you? What if I do get over you, but remain tainted by the things I've learned from this.
Honesty is not the best policy. People can use the truth against you.
How twisted is it that you taught me that? You taught me that no amount of effort, time, emotion or devotion is enough to earn forgiveness. You taught me that no matter what I do, it will never be enough.
Why should I feel guilty for saying one thing, feeling one thing, and doing another? Why should I feel afraid to hurt you when you make it so glaringly obvious that you don't care? Why should I feel afraid to hurt you when you've hurt me for so long? I am still hurting and you're not around.
I can kiss and I can pretend I am ready to move on all I want. You made it clear that you were done. That this was over. What else am I supposed to do? I can't keep waiting forever for the space you ask for to be over. I can't keep waiting and begging you to forgive me. I can't keep pouring in my heart and soul into someone who lets women in his bed, prefers to be a third party in his friend's relationships to spending time with me, a person who lies and covers things up with green and black plaid shirts and country concert baseball caps.
I keep playing those scenes over and over again in my mind and I don't even know how the scene actually went. I feel betrayed no matter how you direct it. Yet here I am so afraid to betray you back. Because I still want you back. But why?
Why should I feel guilty for the steps I've taken down the path of getting over you? Why should I feel like I've betrayed you when I've stood by your side for so long? Why can I dance around words and make excuses for actions when the reasons why things happen are obvious?
Why did you kiss him? Because I feel alone. I'm trying to convince myself I can be okay without the person who had filled my heart for so long. Maybe because I wanted someone to see, someone to tell you, to have done something to make you feel jealous or like you've made the biggest mistake of your life by letting me go.
Why do I still hold on? Why do I still think of you every second of every dragging day? Because I love you. Or maybe it's because I love the idea of what things have been and could be again. I live in a world built out of made up scenarios and broken dreams, too afraid to reach out and grab a new purpose.
Am I honest with myself? I'm not sure. Do I really think you'll come back with time? I think that's the thing that is the most frightening. That maybe, just maybe I'll be secretly waiting for you in my heart, waiting for you to think I've moved on, to come back and make things right, to beg for my forgiveness and to apologize for how many times you've made me feel lower than low, and to have that never actually happen is a scary thought to have.
Why does it make me sick to think of you giving all you gave to me at the start to someone else? Why instead can't I change my thinking to remind myself that I too could have that again with someone else? Let him move on, he's a broken man. He will never give his whole self to someone again. But you will because you're a dreamer. You will because you still believe in love. Who gets the short of the stick when you think about it that way?
I miss you. I'm not afraid to say it. While I'm not sure if it's your body, your physical presence, or the way you used to make me feel, I still miss you. I miss so many things. I miss you laying beside me. I miss building a life with you. I feel sad about the memories we will never get to make because you decided to let go.
I'm not naive enough to think that you've been innocent in the last 6 months. If I can do some of the things I've done and still claim to be in love with you, I can't even imagine what you've done in the shadows since you stopped loving me. It can drive a person mad to ask all of the what ifs. We know this, yet we still ask what question over and over until it feels like our heart is cracking.
What if the reason it didn't work out was because the thing I was holding onto didn't work out? What if the reason we fell apart is because I am truly supposed to be with the one who caused us to end? What if I am being ridiculous and looking too much into things? What if you've already found someone new? What if I will never feel whole again. People get over things with time. Do they? What if they don't? What if I never get over you? What if I do get over you, but remain tainted by the things I've learned from this.
Honesty is not the best policy. People can use the truth against you.
How twisted is it that you taught me that? You taught me that no amount of effort, time, emotion or devotion is enough to earn forgiveness. You taught me that no matter what I do, it will never be enough.
Why should I feel guilty for saying one thing, feeling one thing, and doing another? Why should I feel afraid to hurt you when you make it so glaringly obvious that you don't care? Why should I feel afraid to hurt you when you've hurt me for so long? I am still hurting and you're not around.
I can kiss and I can pretend I am ready to move on all I want. You made it clear that you were done. That this was over. What else am I supposed to do? I can't keep waiting forever for the space you ask for to be over. I can't keep waiting and begging you to forgive me. I can't keep pouring in my heart and soul into someone who lets women in his bed, prefers to be a third party in his friend's relationships to spending time with me, a person who lies and covers things up with green and black plaid shirts and country concert baseball caps.
I keep playing those scenes over and over again in my mind and I don't even know how the scene actually went. I feel betrayed no matter how you direct it. Yet here I am so afraid to betray you back. Because I still want you back. But why?
Tuesday, 17 February 2015
February 17, 2015
I wish I could say that we've made amazing progress and that everything is wonderful. But I can't.
I'm still feeling on edge. I'm still lacking security.
I'm still feeling like every time I see him he's going to tell me he's done.
Especially the last few days. We had a bad weekend and we weren't even together. He made sure of that.
A couples weekend turned into a "boy's weekend" that turned back into a group weekend and I still wasn't welcome in Whitefish. Even thought it was Valentine's weekend, even though Nanna passed away the Thursday before. So that was hurtful and I made a scene. And now he's distant again.
He ignores my loving texts, he doesn't follow through on things he says he'll do. And I got the sneaking suspicion that he was going to break up with me last night but he came home to me wearing lingerie and couldn't do it.
Plus side: I gave him a valentines day present and he said "well aren't you sweet" and gave me a kiss.
SO WHO KNOWS! It's always changing and I feel like I'm going mental.
I need to give him space but that's the one thing I can't give him. Does that make sense? I wish I was strong enough to be like "kay see ya!" and have him be like "whhhhhat?" and then realize what he's doing. But I can't. I'd rather fight with him than be with anyone else.
I'm going to make a solid effort to just be chill and ignore all of my emotions because my emotions are out of control. If he wants Braxton time, be okay with it.
At least try.
I'm still feeling on edge. I'm still lacking security.
I'm still feeling like every time I see him he's going to tell me he's done.
Especially the last few days. We had a bad weekend and we weren't even together. He made sure of that.
A couples weekend turned into a "boy's weekend" that turned back into a group weekend and I still wasn't welcome in Whitefish. Even thought it was Valentine's weekend, even though Nanna passed away the Thursday before. So that was hurtful and I made a scene. And now he's distant again.
He ignores my loving texts, he doesn't follow through on things he says he'll do. And I got the sneaking suspicion that he was going to break up with me last night but he came home to me wearing lingerie and couldn't do it.
Plus side: I gave him a valentines day present and he said "well aren't you sweet" and gave me a kiss.
SO WHO KNOWS! It's always changing and I feel like I'm going mental.
I need to give him space but that's the one thing I can't give him. Does that make sense? I wish I was strong enough to be like "kay see ya!" and have him be like "whhhhhat?" and then realize what he's doing. But I can't. I'd rather fight with him than be with anyone else.
I'm going to make a solid effort to just be chill and ignore all of my emotions because my emotions are out of control. If he wants Braxton time, be okay with it.
At least try.
Tuesday, 23 December 2014
December 23, 2014
Well, it's Christmas Eve Eve and everything feels different.
I've never been so unsure of my life before. My Christmas Eve is different, my future looks different, I don't feel confident or positive, but I'm trying to keep my chin up.
I wish I had solid answers to the questions in my head, but I don't. All I have are maybe's and potentially false promises.
Things have been better, I guess. If you can call 'still up in the air' better.
He says he's planning on coming home in the new year, but he's said that before.
He says he's feeling better about things, but he's still not home.
He says he's going to do a lot of things and then pulls shoot the next minute.
He sometimes says 'love you' back, sometimes he completely ignores it.
So I guess our relationship is still a maybe.
It sounds like he's spending tonight with us as we celebrate Christmas with the Plesa's. So that's a positive. Hopefully someone asks him if he's sticking around for good so I can get some answers.
In the meantime, here's where I think we are:
- Together, going to work on this, taking it slow
- He'll move the majority of his stuff back into our house in January
- We'll move to the NW in the spring to be closer to work and friends
I'm also going to focus on the positive. Christmas time. Mexico in a week. And hope that things will turn out just fine.
I've never been so unsure of my life before. My Christmas Eve is different, my future looks different, I don't feel confident or positive, but I'm trying to keep my chin up.
I wish I had solid answers to the questions in my head, but I don't. All I have are maybe's and potentially false promises.
Things have been better, I guess. If you can call 'still up in the air' better.
He says he's planning on coming home in the new year, but he's said that before.
He says he's feeling better about things, but he's still not home.
He says he's going to do a lot of things and then pulls shoot the next minute.
He sometimes says 'love you' back, sometimes he completely ignores it.
So I guess our relationship is still a maybe.
It sounds like he's spending tonight with us as we celebrate Christmas with the Plesa's. So that's a positive. Hopefully someone asks him if he's sticking around for good so I can get some answers.
In the meantime, here's where I think we are:
- Together, going to work on this, taking it slow
- He'll move the majority of his stuff back into our house in January
- We'll move to the NW in the spring to be closer to work and friends
I'm also going to focus on the positive. Christmas time. Mexico in a week. And hope that things will turn out just fine.
Thursday, 4 December 2014
December 4, 2014
Things to remember while I'm giving him space:
When he feels like there is room to return and feel things out without the enormous pressure of not crushing your heart to the point of stripping you of happiness and self-worth, he will more likely return.
It’s important that you don’t force things now. Don’t try to be perfect to "hook" him or focus on manipulating him into loving you. Don’t try to force the relationship to happen, and don’t wrap yourself up in resentments and a need to define your self-worth through his appreciation for you. “Sit on your hands” and let the relationship reunite at its own pace.
(Your Tango Article 1)
When he feels like there is room to return and feel things out without the enormous pressure of not crushing your heart to the point of stripping you of happiness and self-worth, he will more likely return.
It’s important that you don’t force things now. Don’t try to be perfect to "hook" him or focus on manipulating him into loving you. Don’t try to force the relationship to happen, and don’t wrap yourself up in resentments and a need to define your self-worth through his appreciation for you. “Sit on your hands” and let the relationship reunite at its own pace.
(Your Tango Article 1)
When a man says he needs his space, there are two things usually happening inside his head:
- There are aspects of the relationship and/or his life that are making him doubt whether or not he wants to stay involved with you.
- There are aspects about you that he loves enough to make him say he needs space instead of "goodbye." This is what you need to bank on while doing what I call the "Love Him, Letter Him, Let Him Go" technique. Remember, there are things you can do to help leave an impression in his head that he won't quickly forget.
- (Your Tango Article 2)
When a man pulls back, it's natural to feel like your world is suddenly shaken up. This feeling can bring up abandonment issues and it can make us panic about losing him. When we feel panicky and scared, we reach out. We start to express love and profess devotion, and we apologize for past injustices on our part. However, this is a form of rewarding bad behavior.
You don't want to give a man more attention when he needs space; do this when he's trying to please you and is available to love you. Sometimes we take those good-behavior moments for granted and it's important that you don't.
The "one foot on the brakes, one foot on the gas" routine will make you act neurotic and over-emotional, and you won't feel in control or proud of your actions in the relationship. I want you to feel good about yourself no matter what he does. So, drive slow in cruise control.
Monday, 1 December 2014
December 1, 2014
I got totally used last night and I let it happen.
He played hockey in Chestermere and stayed the night, not because he missed me, but because it was convenient. And then we slept together. Twice. And then he left, and I haven't heard from him since.
I know it was wrong, but I also knew what it was before I agreed to him coming over.
"Want me to come curl up in bed later?'
"You know the answer to that question, you're always welcome back home."
I don't want him to just use me for convenience and sex. But I let it happen anyways.
He did say he thought about what I said about him being reckless and he agrees that he was taking it a little far. He said he hasn't been with anyone else and that I don't have to worry about him doing drugs (especially because the crowd he's been hanging out with does them so much.) All I can do is take his word for it.
And keep giving him "time and space" I guess. Hopefully he comes home to me again and stays this time.
He played hockey in Chestermere and stayed the night, not because he missed me, but because it was convenient. And then we slept together. Twice. And then he left, and I haven't heard from him since.
I know it was wrong, but I also knew what it was before I agreed to him coming over.
"Want me to come curl up in bed later?'
"You know the answer to that question, you're always welcome back home."
I don't want him to just use me for convenience and sex. But I let it happen anyways.
He did say he thought about what I said about him being reckless and he agrees that he was taking it a little far. He said he hasn't been with anyone else and that I don't have to worry about him doing drugs (especially because the crowd he's been hanging out with does them so much.) All I can do is take his word for it.
And keep giving him "time and space" I guess. Hopefully he comes home to me again and stays this time.
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