September 26, 2015

It's funny, these things we feel, these moments we look back on because we know, somehow, someway they changed the course of our lives.

Why should I feel guilty for the steps I've taken down the path of getting over you? Why should I feel like I've betrayed you when I've stood by your side for so long? Why can I dance around words and make excuses for actions when the reasons why things happen are obvious?

Why did you kiss him? Because I feel alone. I'm trying to convince myself I can be okay without the person who had filled my heart for so long. Maybe because I wanted someone to see, someone to tell you, to have done something to make you feel jealous or like you've made the biggest mistake of your life by letting me go.

Why do I still hold on? Why do I still think of you every second of every dragging day? Because I love you. Or maybe it's because I love the idea of what things have been and could be again. I live in a world built out of made up scenarios and broken dreams, too afraid to reach out and grab a new purpose.

Am I honest with myself? I'm not sure. Do I really think you'll come back with time? I think that's the thing that is the most frightening. That maybe, just maybe I'll be secretly waiting for you in my heart, waiting for you to think I've moved on, to come back and make things right, to beg for my forgiveness and to apologize for how many times you've made me feel lower than low, and to have that never actually happen is a scary thought to have.

Why does it make me sick to think of you giving all you gave to me at the start to someone else? Why instead can't I change my thinking to remind myself that I too could have that again with someone else? Let him move on, he's a broken man. He will never give his whole self to someone again. But you will because you're a dreamer. You will because you still believe in love. Who gets the short of the stick when you think about it that way?

I miss you. I'm not afraid to say it. While I'm not sure if it's your body, your physical presence, or the way you used to make me feel, I still miss you. I miss so many things. I miss you laying beside me. I miss building a life with you. I feel sad about the memories we will never get to make because you decided to let go.

I'm not naive enough to think that you've been innocent in the last 6 months. If I can do some of the things I've done and still claim to be in love with you, I can't even imagine what you've done in the shadows since you stopped loving me. It can drive a person mad to ask all of the what ifs. We know this, yet we still ask what question over and over until it feels like our heart is cracking.

What if the reason it didn't work out was because the thing I was holding onto didn't work out? What if the reason we fell apart is because I am truly supposed to be with the one who caused us to end? What if I am being ridiculous and looking too much into things? What if you've already found someone new? What if I will never feel whole again. People get over things with time. Do they? What if they don't? What if I never get over you? What if I do get over you, but remain tainted by the things I've learned from this.

Honesty is not the best policy. People can use the truth against you.

How twisted is it that you taught me that? You taught me that no amount of effort, time, emotion or devotion is enough to earn forgiveness. You taught me that no matter what I do, it will never be enough.

Why should I feel guilty for saying one thing, feeling one thing, and doing another? Why should I feel afraid to hurt you when you make it so glaringly obvious that you don't care? Why should I feel afraid to hurt you when you've hurt me for so long? I am still hurting and you're not around.

I can kiss and I can pretend I am ready to move on all I want. You made it clear that you were done. That this was over. What else am I supposed to do? I can't keep waiting forever for the space you ask for to be over. I can't keep waiting and begging you to forgive me. I can't keep pouring in my heart and soul into someone who lets women in his bed, prefers to be a third party in his friend's relationships to spending time with me, a person who lies and covers things up with green and black plaid shirts and country concert baseball caps.

I keep playing those scenes over and over again in my mind and I don't even know how the scene actually went. I feel betrayed no matter how you direct it. Yet here I am so afraid to betray you back. Because I still want you back. But why?