Well, it's Christmas Eve Eve and everything feels different.
I've never been so unsure of my life before. My Christmas Eve is different, my future looks different, I don't feel confident or positive, but I'm trying to keep my chin up.
I wish I had solid answers to the questions in my head, but I don't. All I have are maybe's and potentially false promises.
Things have been better, I guess. If you can call 'still up in the air' better.
He says he's planning on coming home in the new year, but he's said that before.
He says he's feeling better about things, but he's still not home.
He says he's going to do a lot of things and then pulls shoot the next minute.
He sometimes says 'love you' back, sometimes he completely ignores it.
So I guess our relationship is still a maybe.
It sounds like he's spending tonight with us as we celebrate Christmas with the Plesa's. So that's a positive. Hopefully someone asks him if he's sticking around for good so I can get some answers.
In the meantime, here's where I think we are:
- Together, going to work on this, taking it slow
- He'll move the majority of his stuff back into our house in January
- We'll move to the NW in the spring to be closer to work and friends
I'm also going to focus on the positive. Christmas time. Mexico in a week. And hope that things will turn out just fine.
Tuesday, 23 December 2014
Thursday, 4 December 2014
December 4, 2014
Things to remember while I'm giving him space:
When he feels like there is room to return and feel things out without the enormous pressure of not crushing your heart to the point of stripping you of happiness and self-worth, he will more likely return.
It’s important that you don’t force things now. Don’t try to be perfect to "hook" him or focus on manipulating him into loving you. Don’t try to force the relationship to happen, and don’t wrap yourself up in resentments and a need to define your self-worth through his appreciation for you. “Sit on your hands” and let the relationship reunite at its own pace.
(Your Tango Article 1)
When he feels like there is room to return and feel things out without the enormous pressure of not crushing your heart to the point of stripping you of happiness and self-worth, he will more likely return.
It’s important that you don’t force things now. Don’t try to be perfect to "hook" him or focus on manipulating him into loving you. Don’t try to force the relationship to happen, and don’t wrap yourself up in resentments and a need to define your self-worth through his appreciation for you. “Sit on your hands” and let the relationship reunite at its own pace.
(Your Tango Article 1)
When a man says he needs his space, there are two things usually happening inside his head:
- There are aspects of the relationship and/or his life that are making him doubt whether or not he wants to stay involved with you.
- There are aspects about you that he loves enough to make him say he needs space instead of "goodbye." This is what you need to bank on while doing what I call the "Love Him, Letter Him, Let Him Go" technique. Remember, there are things you can do to help leave an impression in his head that he won't quickly forget.
- (Your Tango Article 2)
When a man pulls back, it's natural to feel like your world is suddenly shaken up. This feeling can bring up abandonment issues and it can make us panic about losing him. When we feel panicky and scared, we reach out. We start to express love and profess devotion, and we apologize for past injustices on our part. However, this is a form of rewarding bad behavior.
You don't want to give a man more attention when he needs space; do this when he's trying to please you and is available to love you. Sometimes we take those good-behavior moments for granted and it's important that you don't.
The "one foot on the brakes, one foot on the gas" routine will make you act neurotic and over-emotional, and you won't feel in control or proud of your actions in the relationship. I want you to feel good about yourself no matter what he does. So, drive slow in cruise control.
Monday, 1 December 2014
December 1, 2014
I got totally used last night and I let it happen.
He played hockey in Chestermere and stayed the night, not because he missed me, but because it was convenient. And then we slept together. Twice. And then he left, and I haven't heard from him since.
I know it was wrong, but I also knew what it was before I agreed to him coming over.
"Want me to come curl up in bed later?'
"You know the answer to that question, you're always welcome back home."
I don't want him to just use me for convenience and sex. But I let it happen anyways.
He did say he thought about what I said about him being reckless and he agrees that he was taking it a little far. He said he hasn't been with anyone else and that I don't have to worry about him doing drugs (especially because the crowd he's been hanging out with does them so much.) All I can do is take his word for it.
And keep giving him "time and space" I guess. Hopefully he comes home to me again and stays this time.
He played hockey in Chestermere and stayed the night, not because he missed me, but because it was convenient. And then we slept together. Twice. And then he left, and I haven't heard from him since.
I know it was wrong, but I also knew what it was before I agreed to him coming over.
"Want me to come curl up in bed later?'
"You know the answer to that question, you're always welcome back home."
I don't want him to just use me for convenience and sex. But I let it happen anyways.
He did say he thought about what I said about him being reckless and he agrees that he was taking it a little far. He said he hasn't been with anyone else and that I don't have to worry about him doing drugs (especially because the crowd he's been hanging out with does them so much.) All I can do is take his word for it.
And keep giving him "time and space" I guess. Hopefully he comes home to me again and stays this time.
Thursday, 27 November 2014
November 27, 2014
I saw him yesterday. I told him I was worried about him because he's been excessively drinking and making poor choices like driving home drunk. He went out every night from Thursday to Sunday last week. I understand drinking to deal with a breakup, but that's excessive and I'm worried about him. He's hurting and has no one to talk to or help him deal with anything.
And the other problem is that he won't talk.
I found out he hung out with a girl twice. He thought he might have been into her but he claims that after they hung out he realized there was nothing there. He met her through people from work. He told me nothing happened. He told me he hasn't kissed, slept in the same be with, or been intimate with anyone else since we've "split up". It hurts. It hurts knowing that he even entertained the idea of starting to date someone else. But, I know I shouldn't be surprised. I know this is what he does. I know that he bails, latches onto someone new and goes on with life like nothing happened.
He asked for more time and I'm going to give it to him. He said the back and forth is probably pushing him away more and that he thinks giving him some time will give us the best shot of getting back together. I told him I'm not giving up on him. I know this isn't the man he is, I know what we had was special and significant and means something more than anything we've both experienced before. I know that if he was truly gone, he'd be gone. His stuff would be out of our house and I'd never hear from him again. He keeps "trying" for me. But that shows he still cares enough to do something for me. I can get through to him even just the slightest bit when we talk. I can make him reconsider. He's not gone yet. If I have to live without him for a little while to have him later for the rest of my life, that's worth it.
By giving him more time, I have time to continue to work on myself (getting hobbies, learning to be more okay on my own, catching up with friends, living life without him) and hopefully giving him space and time will allow him to miss me. Maybe that will bring him back to me.
And the other problem is that he won't talk.
I found out he hung out with a girl twice. He thought he might have been into her but he claims that after they hung out he realized there was nothing there. He met her through people from work. He told me nothing happened. He told me he hasn't kissed, slept in the same be with, or been intimate with anyone else since we've "split up". It hurts. It hurts knowing that he even entertained the idea of starting to date someone else. But, I know I shouldn't be surprised. I know this is what he does. I know that he bails, latches onto someone new and goes on with life like nothing happened.
He asked for more time and I'm going to give it to him. He said the back and forth is probably pushing him away more and that he thinks giving him some time will give us the best shot of getting back together. I told him I'm not giving up on him. I know this isn't the man he is, I know what we had was special and significant and means something more than anything we've both experienced before. I know that if he was truly gone, he'd be gone. His stuff would be out of our house and I'd never hear from him again. He keeps "trying" for me. But that shows he still cares enough to do something for me. I can get through to him even just the slightest bit when we talk. I can make him reconsider. He's not gone yet. If I have to live without him for a little while to have him later for the rest of my life, that's worth it.
By giving him more time, I have time to continue to work on myself (getting hobbies, learning to be more okay on my own, catching up with friends, living life without him) and hopefully giving him space and time will allow him to miss me. Maybe that will bring him back to me.
This love is good, this love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me
I need to keep working through this like it's over. I need to pretend like he's not coming back. I need to not reach out. I need to let him come to me. I need to keep working on myself. I can't be sad about things like not getting invited to his company Christmas party. I just have to keep going pretending it's over. I need to fold our laundry, put it in the drawer and keep going.
I have tried everything else. I might as well try this too. I have nothing to lose.
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
November 19, 2014
It's amazing how a good morning text can hold such importance and change the direction of an entire day. It's a simple movement of fingers against glass yet it means so much to receive that little green bubble of text. That little green bubble means that someone is thinking about you. That little green bubble means that you're present in someone's mind.
Every morning I wait for that little green bubble to appear under your name. If we weren't together, I'd probably never get that good morning message. I need to remember that. I need to stop putting so much thought and emotion into a two word sentence. I need to remember to be okay without you.
Last night, I tried being cheerful, positive and relaxed. I wanted your time at home to be stress free. I gave you a release, a back rub and the space to just come home whenever you were finished work without pressuring you for a time.
Monday night I let you stay in the NW without complaint because I knew you'd had a long day and needed to blow off some steam with a friend even though you said you'd come home because you didn't come home on Sunday after hockey.
I'm trying. I'm honestly putting my entire soul, my entire being into trying to show you that our life could be better. I'm giving you everything I can think of to bring you home and make you happy again. It's consuming me, but you're worth it to me.
Last night I felt your distance. I didn't feel desired. I didn't feel like you wanted to be there. I wish you would just say how you were feeling and what you were thinking. I wish you'd just say you don't want to be there. I wish you'd just flat out tell me what you want. I wish you wouldn't stay just because I want you to so badly. I want you to be the way you were with me. I want to feel like you want to hold my hand. I want to feel like you want to give me kisses. I want to feel loved. And I know you don't think you love me right now and that hurts.
Every morning I wait for that little green bubble to appear under your name. If we weren't together, I'd probably never get that good morning message. I need to remember that. I need to stop putting so much thought and emotion into a two word sentence. I need to remember to be okay without you.
Last night, I tried being cheerful, positive and relaxed. I wanted your time at home to be stress free. I gave you a release, a back rub and the space to just come home whenever you were finished work without pressuring you for a time.
Monday night I let you stay in the NW without complaint because I knew you'd had a long day and needed to blow off some steam with a friend even though you said you'd come home because you didn't come home on Sunday after hockey.
I'm trying. I'm honestly putting my entire soul, my entire being into trying to show you that our life could be better. I'm giving you everything I can think of to bring you home and make you happy again. It's consuming me, but you're worth it to me.
Last night I felt your distance. I didn't feel desired. I didn't feel like you wanted to be there. I wish you would just say how you were feeling and what you were thinking. I wish you'd just say you don't want to be there. I wish you'd just flat out tell me what you want. I wish you wouldn't stay just because I want you to so badly. I want you to be the way you were with me. I want to feel like you want to hold my hand. I want to feel like you want to give me kisses. I want to feel loved. And I know you don't think you love me right now and that hurts.
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